Where Are You Now?

I've been back in America for over a week now. Like my return from Egypt, my trip home has been full of unpleasant surprises, only more insidious and difficult to pinpoint.

How does one synthesize his newly changed identity with his old American self? That is the perennial question. Being in Egypt made me question my faith, my beliefs about the goodness of God, my love for others. Being in Italy made me question the finer points of my faith, the values of Protestant culture, and the stickier dogmas and stricter Biblical beliefs I have always held, but often fought in my mind.

Traveling for a good 8 months, I found myself, and still find myself, searching for "home", for belonging. That is an old pursuit for me. But it took a more starkly religious form this time, since my choices for spiritual support were limited. And I think I came home more confused and frustrated than ever. And I just want somebody to take me by the hand and tell me what to believe, so I won't always be wrong to half the people I love. And I want it to make sense.

I could not wait to be alone these past couple weeks. Now here I am in my apartment, and I have the music up loud so I don't notice how empty this place is.

Change is lonely. I just want to find God. I'm always surprised when He finds me instead. That's grace for you.